by Janet Lehman, MSW

Have you gotten “the call” from your child’s school? Janet Lehman, MSW talks frankly about how she and her husband James dealt with it when their son had trouble at school.

In September of our son’s third grade year, we got the phone call from his teacher. She said she was really concerned about our child’s chances of passing that year. I was shocked, angry and anxious—and terribly embarrassed, both as a mother and a social worker who “should have known” what was going on. I immediately took the stance of viewing myself as the victim in the situation. In fact, very quickly it became all about me.

It’s not about you. It’s about your child, and what is best for him. As much as you can, put personal feelings aside and focus on your child.

I was upset at the school, the teacher and the administrators. My husband, James, intervened at that point and said, “It isn’t about you. It’s about our son and his odds of succeeding.”

What could I say? I knew he was right. After I calmed down, we sat and talked about what we were going to do about our child’s school problem. We also knew we needed to plan out how we were going to present ourselves at the meeting with his teachers. James and I decided that we wanted to be in partnership with the school as much as possible, because this would give our child the best chance of getting through the year and moving on to fourth grade. As hard as it was, I knew I needed to put all of my personal feelings aside and focus on what was best for our son.

This brings me to my first tip for parents when their child is having trouble at school:

Tip #1: It’s not about you. It’s about your child, and what is best for him. As much as you can, put personal feelings aside and focus on your child.

James reminded me again before we went into our meeting: “It’s not about you. It’s not about how you feel about the teacher. It’s about our son.” And then he said, “To be honest, our kid can be a bit of a pain in the neck sometimes and the teacher has 30 other students she needs to deal with. Let’s really try to find a way to work with her.”

We went to the meeting and presented ourselves as wanting to work with the school instead of against the school. We weren’t blaming the school; we were trying to be realistic about our son—both his behavior and his needs.

And even though at first I was angry at the school for not noticing our son’s issues sooner, I was grateful to his third grade teacher for noticing what was going on. Up until third grade, our son had been able to use charm to get by in school. But charming wasn’t going to make it in the third grade, where they introduce more challenging content and a lot of new learning. Fortunately, his teacher saw through that act and realized it was a bit of a cover for some of his learning struggles.

This brings me to my second tip:

Tip #2: Generally speaking, blaming the school or your child’s teacher won’t do any good. As much as is possible, work with school administrators and teachers. Partner with them instead of making an adversary out of them.

In my opinion, the only way to create success is to partner with the school. If you’re really struggling with your child’s teacher, find somebody else who you can create that relationship with. Pinpoint someone in the school who you can work with—it could be a guidance counselor, school social worker, a coach, or even the principal. This person will be able to advocate for your child more effectively than you can in some instances, and might also be able to shoot you an email when they notice something or feel like your child needs some extra help.

Our whole family worked especially hard during third grade: we put in a lot of time sending notes back and forth to our son’s teacher and keeping her abreast of his progress. James would also sit with our son and do homework every night. He never did the work for him—he was just there to answer questions and give him help if he needed it. I won’t lie—at first, it was a bit of a struggle. But as our son did more homework, his classroom performance improved, which then encouraged him to do more homework. It became a positive circle or a “win-win” situation for him.

So my third tip is:

Tip #3: Communicate regularly with the school. At home, sit with your child if possible and help him through his homework assignments.

I think one of the key things our son realized was that his teacher and his parents were going to hold him responsible for his own work. He couldn’t get out of it, because everyone had joined together to make sure he succeeded and got through the year. We also attended an evaluation meeting for him where testing was recommended. He had some tests done and it was discovered that he had a mild learning disability. As a result, the teachers arranged for some accommodations so he could do certain things differently. So again, the school was taking some responsibility to help him, but even more importantly, our son was gradually taking responsibility for his learning.

Tip #4: Your child is responsible for his own work; it’s vital that he knows that he’s being held accountable by you and his teachers. If your child has an issue with the work he’s doing, and you believe he is sincerely struggling with the work, talk to the teacher. If the struggle persists even with teacher help and parental support, have him tested professionally immediately to determine whether or not he has a learning disability.

For the most part, we found our son’s teachers to be dedicated and receptive, but through the years, he did have some experiences with teachers he wasn’t particularly crazy about. We thought that was an important life lesson for our son: he wasn’t going to like everyone and not everyone was going to treat him as fairly as everybody should be treated. I think dealing with these teachers helped prepare him for the real world, where he’d have to work with folks who might not be as understanding of his needs as others. We made sure to never criticize his teachers when our son was complaining about one he didn’t get along with. Openly complaining only encourages your child to blame the teacher for his problems, and to stop being accountable for his schoolwork.

Tip #5: When your child complains about school, don’t join with him in criticizing his teacher. By being in that teacher’s classroom, your child is learning an important lesson.

Don’t badmouth the teacher along with your child. There’s the potential that you could make the situation much worse by doing so. Remember, you’re only going to hear the story from your child’s perspective. If he doesn’t like the teacher and you fuel that dislike, it’s only going to make it worse for your child who is in that classroom so many hours every day. Again, the most important thing is to try to join with the teacher if possible so that your child becomes responsible and can’t deflect that responsibility to a “bad” or a “mean” teacher.

Also, I believe it’s important to recognize that teachers have a really hard job. They generally respect parents who are aiding them by helping their child learn. The fact that James and I would take the time to write notes to the teacher and sit with our son and do homework was time well spent, from the teacher’s point of view. That’s an investment, and teachers respect parental investments in their child’s learning.

Teachers also want to feel support from parents for what happens in the classroom. I’ve seen parents immediately take their child’s side and not take the time to get the full picture from the school staff or teachers. I believe it’s important to see the full picture. You may not like it when you get it, but at least you’ve taken the time to get the other side of the story.

James used to say, “Sometimes it’s easier to fight with the school than fight with your kid.” After all, you can walk away from the school and go home. It’s a lot harder to hold your child accountable and sit and do the work with him—especially if he is defiant or has other behavioral issues. But in the long run, holding him responsible is the best thing for his future.

Tip #6: Recognize that your child’s teacher has a difficult job. Get the full picture when there is a situation at school—don’t simply rely on your child’s retelling of the story, because he will only see things from his point of view.

It’s often really intimidating to get that initial call from your child’s school. Sometimes it brings up feelings you had when you were a kid. Maybe you acted out a bit or had some struggles with learning yourself; perhaps you didn’t feel smart enough or good enough. Often, a parent’s first response, given their own experience, is to fight the system. And believe me, I had some of those feelings. Thank goodness for James. He was able to turn my thinking around and really take it off me and focus it on our son. It was a turning point for me as a parent and in the way I viewed myself as a social worker.

I believe that one of the keys to helping your child succeed in school is really a lot more parental involvement in general. They may never realize how helpful some of the school folks have been. They may never appreciate the fact that you’ve sat there every night and helped them do their homework. But if you can see their success, you know you’ve done the right thing.

Janet Lehman, MSW has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. She held various roles during her career as a social worker, including juvenile probation officer, case manager and therapist. Janet also worked as a program director for 22 years in traditional residential care and in group homes for difficult children.

If you are a parent who negotiates constantly with your child, you probably feel like you’re living with a little lawyer who “objects” to every rule and request and wears you down with endless questions and challenges. With some kids, everything becomes a negotiation, and it starts from the time they get up in the morning until the time they put off going to bed.

Let me be clear: the more you give in to negotiating with your child, the more you’re training your child not to accept your limits.

Many parents who over-negotiate with their kids mistakenly think it’s somehow improving their child’s sense of self worth. They think they’re letting their child be a little adult and that they’re recognizing them for who they are. Now, all those things are important, but the way for your child to achieve a sense of self worth is not by negotiating limits with you. And by the way, instead of “negotiate” I’d like you to consider the word “bicker,” because that’s what parents are really doing?letting their kids bicker and bicker with them.

So the over-negotiating parent will say, “It’s time to go to bed. It’s 8 o’clock.”

And the child says, “Oh Mom please, this show’s really important, can I just stay up until 8:30 tonight, I just want to watch the end,”

The mom says, “No, you have to go to bed now.”

The child continues to argue: “Oh please, please, you never let me do anything. Just ten more minutes.”

The mother relents: “OK, if you promise not to give me a hard time.”

And the child says, “Thanks, Mom. You’re the best.”

The parent goes back and forth with the child, when really, there’s nothing to negotiate here. Let me be clear: the more you give in to negotiating with your child, the more you’re training your child not to accept your limits.

Now contrast this with another parent in the same situation, who responds to their child’s pleas with, “No, it’s time to go to bed. You know the program around here. On weeknights you have to go to bed because it’s important to get enough rest for school.”

And the child says, “Oh please, please mom, let me stay up. I’ll get up for school in the morning, it’s OK.”

And the parent says “No, I’m sorry, you need to go to bed. Now I’m going to shut off the TV and you need to get going.” You know, that parent has set a limit and followed it and has given a reason why. This child also tries to negotiate her way down, but the parent sticks with the limit. I see that as a good, solid parenting style.

Realize that a lot of the time, there’s nothing to negotiate. Be clear about the structure of how you handle business in your home. “We go to bed at 9 p.m. so we can be ready for school. School means everything to us, much more than TV. If you’re doing well in school, that doesn’t mean you should be able to stay up.” And that is something parents need to realize: if your child’s doing well at school, don’t stop doing the things that promote their good performance, like getting a good night’s sleep. And don’t let them negotiate with you based upon their success.

There’s something called “medication rejection syndrome”. That’s when a patient is taking medication that helps them, but once they’re feeling better, they decide to stop. In a short amount of time they become sick again because they’re not taking their meds. Similarly, people do certain things to be successful, like getting enough sleep to be energetic and alert at school, and then when they are successful, they think they don’t have to do those things anymore. Predictably, you’ll see over time that they become unsuccessful again.

Here’s another way of looking at it: I know people who go to casinos and play slot machines, and they inevitably lose. You know why? Because the machines are fixed to make sure they lose, but they keep playing because they think, “This might be my lucky day!” Here’s the reality: if the machine took their money in an hour, they’d never go back. But what happens is, the machine takes a little of their money, then gives some back, then takes more and gives a little back. Every now and then someone hits the jackpot, which keeps the excitement in the air. So at the end of the day, the person has lost all their money, but they’ve been trained by the machine to sit there and keep playing because they can’t tell if the pay-off is coming.

It’s the same way with kids. Once you let them over-negotiate or wear you down, then your child never knows if this time he’s going to get lucky. He’s like a gambler. He doesn’t know if he’ll get his way this time or not. And since he has very little to lose, he thinks, “Why not take a shot?” The truth is, we are the ones who train our kids to do that.

When Kids Test the Limits
Hear this: kids are going to test limits, that’s their job. What parents forget sometimes is that it’s their job to stand firm. In some ways, parents confuse negotiating with somehow empowering their child. Believe me when I tell you, allowing your child to negotiate for things does not empower them. Instead, what empowers them is understanding the limits.

With all these questions parents have about kids who push the limits, don’t forget, it’s the adults who have the power to change the limit. If you find your child is pushing the limits a lot, that usually means you’ve given them the power to change limits too many times, and now they’re looking to do it whenever they can. And your child doesn’t know the difference. Parents say things like, “Why are you doing this to me? I try to be nice to you and look what happens.” They say those things out of frustration, but the bottom line is that once you start changing the limits, as far as your child is concerned, there are no limits. Remember, kids are very black and white. Once you give them any gray area, don’t blame them for trying to get more. That is their nature; that is their developmental level.

And by the way, if your child asks you for something, let’s say a later bedtime, and you think they have a point, tell them what they have to do to earn it. So if you think your child can handle staying up a half-an-hour later at night, don’t let them back you into a corner by negotiating with you and complaining to you about their situation all the time. Tell them what they have to do to earn that half hour, and tell them for how long. So you can say, “If you do this for a week, I’ll be happy to talk with you about staying up later.” What you’re doing is taking control back by rewarding your child for their good performance, instead of letting them push you into a corner.

For instance, if your child wants to stay up later at night, if it’s a school night, the message should be quite clear that they have to go to bed and get a good amount of sleep. But you can say to your child, “If you go to bed all week without giving me a hard time, I’ll let you stay up a half-an-hour later on Friday and Saturday.” That way kids learn to develop the fundamentals of negotiating so each person faces a win-win situation. Learning how to negotiate is an important problem solving skill in life. But don’t confuse that with bickering or wearing down people who are in authority.

James Lehman is a behavioral therapist and the creator of The Total Transformation Program for parents. He has worked with troubled children and teens for three decades. James holds a Masters Degree in Social Work from Boston University. For more information, visit The Total Transformation

Ok, so here is my latest dilema….my 11 year old is bugging the heck out of me to get her a cell phone.   She actually has been for a couple of years, but it’s really starting to heat up now. 

Of course part of me wants to just get her one, I mean what’s the big deal right?  But, the other part of me is like you can’t get her one until she starts to show some responsibility and this is what I’ve been preaching to her for months and months.

So I ask her:  Why do you even need a cell phone?  Her reply:  Cause I don’t feel safe without one.  Really? you don’t feel safe?  No, that’s why I won’t walk home from school or stay home by myself.  I’m like well you don’t have to walk home from school and I don’t leave you by yourself.  But mom everyone else has one and I like to be able to text.  Ahhhh so the truth comes out.

So like I said earlier, I’ve been telling her that she needs to show me some responsibility.  So for the last few weeks, she has been coming right home and doing the dishes, most of the time without being asked.    She does pretty good academically, so that’s not really an issue.  So I’m thinking well that’s good but is it enough and should I even be tying the two together?

She does kind of have a point….it is the technology of today and who doesn’t have a cell phone?  I mean I text and use mine all the time and it would be a good way to keep in touch with her if need be.  She also said that she would pay for her portion every month, which I also figure would help her to learn about financial responsibility.

So what do you think?  Is 11 too young to have a cell phone?